Space & Time

Earth is the teeny little white dot over to the right of the screen in the middle of the orange ring.

Earth from Saturn - 3.7 Billion Miles Away
Earth from Saturn – 3.7 Billion Miles Away

This is one of those photos that helps me put things in perspective.  As terrible as I may feel my life is, as overwhelming as this experience has been for me, and as obsessed as I have been in trying to change things…photos like this change my perspective and allow me to feel better.  My problems seemed overwhelmingly huge and insurmountable..my emotional pain kept me in deep hole of self absorbed darkness.

On those nights when I couldn’t sleep because my mind was racing and I was reliving what had happened, searching for explanations and solutions…I would get up and go outside and look up at the sky–pleading for release from my monkey mind hell.  The stars where always there….those stars billions of light years away…where there.  The light from those stars that I was seeing now–actually left those stars billions of years ago…I was truly looking into the past…which made me realize how really insignificant earth was in the whole scheme of the universe–and if the earth was insignificant–what did that make me?  I was merely one of five billion people on the planet….how significant was my pain in relation to the other 5 billion people on our planet…and then extrapolating that thought–how insignificant where my problems in relation to the whole universe and all the unknown life forms out there?

Space alone dwarfed my seemingly huge insurmountable problems….then I thought about all the millions of people who have lived before me–looking up at those same stars….how many of them had been in my exact same position–looking up into the night sky, at the very same stars I was looking at, pleading for release from their own mental/physical  hell?  I began to realize that my pain…as terrible and life changing as it was for me–was really pretty insignificant when placed alongside the pain of tens of thousands of years of human misery.  How many other mothers had lost their children before me….in ways that were way more gruesome, violent, and traumatizing then mine.  I could at least rest assured that my son was alive and living the life he had chosen, I knew where he was, I could contact the school, I could watch his football games–no he wouldn’t speak to me–but I knew where he was and that he was doing ok…and as painful as that was to me….I realized I still had the ability to make a difference….I had the ability to change our current relationship….I had no idea how it was going to happen…but I had the chance.  Unlike so many other mothers and fathers that had lost that chance for good.

Space and Time–made a difference for me.  They changed my perspective from the depths of my own personal hell to an upward view, a more expansive view….they gave me hope….not a plan, but hope.  Somehow…I would get thru this, I would make a difference….I could make a difference….I still had time.

We can get tunnel vision–we tend to see the world thru a very small lens…when we can back up and look at the larger picture–we see differently–we can get another look at our issues from a different angle….and generally–that makes us feel better.  So when you find yourself mired in the muck of your own mind…take a step outside, look up into the sky and take a deep breath….you are not alone and you have the ability to step outside your normal thinking patterns and experience an inward shift–a creation of space–that allows you to create change.