So it occurred to me last night…that I had taught my son to be a people pleaser–not necessarily on purpose but because I am a people pleaser…I go with the flow–other peoples flow. Now I am at a point in my life where I can choose to be a Stephanie pleaser–and I want my son to be a Tristan pleaser. I am not suggesting we go out and start purposely displeasing others…but we both need to be aware of who we are and then follow our individual path–with grace.
I am hoping I can teach my son this–as I learn it…I am hoping it is not too late. How does one go about doing what you want without disrupting others? How does one change how they go thru the world?
Since having this insight a few weeks ago–I have been observing my behavior and trying to figure out the “people pleaser” trigger point for myself–so maybe I can disrupt the habitual response. So far, I have been able to realize it–after the fact. When I review my interactions, I can see the familiar pattern–in fact, I think it may be getting worse, not better…go figure. But I have yet, been able to catch myself in the moment–which begs the question–even if I did catch myself in the moment-how does one shift behavior part way thru the moment? Wouldn’t that seem strange? Do I want to be seen as strange? What if they think I am mean? I don’t want to be seen as mean–How can I prevent that?–and I realize I am launching down one of my other rabbit holes of endless thought–but, also realizing aha–I need a solution prior to moving forward, not having a plan is holding me back…I wonder in how many other ways I am preventing myself from moving forward because I don’t have a solution?–but I am choosing for the moment to let that topic go for the time being and focus back on the people pleasing–since I need a plan in order to move forward, Here is what I will try to do— When I realize I am people pleasing to an extreme (and it can happen to me)–I determine to take a deep breath and touch base with how I am feeling internally–what is my body telling me in that moment. Maybe eventually I will figure out what is happening at a physiological level…and from there I can short circuit that pathway. Maybe not–but if nothing else–I would prefer to try to respond from an authentic reality rather than the habitual mask of pleasing others, and being seen as “nice”. I am not sure, I am a “nice” person, and not at all sure, why I think I need that mask…this line of thought, launches me into yet another rabbit hole–if I am not “nice” than what am I?
And suddenly an internal lightbulb goes off–and I begin to realize the importance of just sitting and breathing and just watching my mind function–my mind is a crazy, intelligent, jumpy energy…it is all over the place and very easily distractable…but if I can just observe the flow–it does jump on some pretty important factors that can change my life–but when I actually follow those rabbit holes–how does that internal behavior effect my external behavior? and down another rabbit hole I go…but seriously–just by watching where my brain goes when sitting and thinking–I have learned some valuable insights into my unconscious belief systems:
1. that I need a usable solution before moving forward–there will be no leaping without looking going on for me–I need a plan, a possible solution to all possibilities–bottom line–security.
2. and I feel the need to be seen as “nice” over any other role–except when comfortable within the confines of my immediate family–
According to the gurus–your unconscious patterns/beliefs are what shape your reality–
And evidently–those same unconscious beliefs and patterns have shaped the life of my son…
Awareness being the first step–I guess I need to question and observe my need for security–people pleasing is just a coping skill–the bottom line issue is my need for security….great.